Recovering from Anxiety

I first developed panic disorder 17yrs ago.  Not quite half of my life has been spent recovering from that first panic attack.  At first, withdrawel from society seemed like a good idea, avoid anything that made me anxious.  And along came Agoraphobia.

I lead a normal life now, but I still suffer anxiety.  Over the years I have slowly stretched out my comfort zone to include going to the shops, learning to drive, going to uni, and all the daily things I do regularly enough to become normal, a habit.  The 'not normal' I still struggle with.  Going out to dinner, the movies, travelling, social events, presentations, dentist or doctor appointments, anything which associate as having the potential to 'stress me out'.  I still fear the panic.  I still suffer.

I've read many books on recovery from panic disorder and dealing with fear.  I don't always action them.  I have an arsenal of knowledge, coping techniques, and supposed cures.  I understand that fear is normal, that anxiety is essential - that I will never live without some level of fear and anxiety in my life. But I do believe I can learn to accept anxiety and fear, cope with it, and not suffer from it.  I believe in a life where I don't avoid things because of fear.

But what does that life look like?

When I first saw a psychologist, about 15yrs ago he asked me for a goal that could only be accomplished when I was 'cured'.  I said 'getting my drivers license'.  At the time it seemed impossible.  A few later my husband lost his license while I had a newborn baby (my third) and so I HAD to learn to drive.  I did!  I have my license, I drive every day and it doesn't cause me any anxiety to do so.  I had learnt enough to get through a panic attack, I had learnt to feel the fear and do it anyway. And that is what I do.  When I have to do something I put my big girl panties on, and suck it up.  I know that after a while the fear and anxiety fades, I will get used to doing it.  And so, one at a time, I conquered each fear which was prevented my 'normal functioning' at an everyday level.  But only because I had to.

But what about the 'optional' stuff.  The stuff that takes a ordinary life and pushes it into a joyful life, an extraordinary life, a full life!

Things I've done before and would like to do again:

Go on a roller coaster or rides at a theme park.  I was always a little petrified but it was fun!  

I would like to be able to say 'no' to going on a ride without having to say its because I'm too scared.  This is a difficult goal because the fun is in the fear!  I would like to enjoy a little bit of fear!

I would like to travel.  The last time I stayed at a hotel I spent the entire time stressed out.  I would like to be able to relax, not worry about others expectations, but still meet my own expectations!  I would like to enjoy going to a hotel, visiting new places.  I want a holiday at the beach, I want to go bush walking regularly, go to the beach, go to The Caves, go fossicking, go to see the dinosaur fossils.

I would like to go out and socialise more.  I want to go out to dinner, the movies, on a date with husband.  To plan things and follow through.

I would like to be able to arrange my life and do the non-fun things - the dentist and doctor (get my teeth fixed), arrange childcare, make decisions and act apron them.  Call my son's friend's parents to arrange sleepovers, arrange sports and activities for my kids.  Use the phone, make choices, act without fear.

And for work, I want to be able give lectures, do the actions that lead to success - call people and arrange things, seek out things which will help me answer questions, be proactive!

I find it hard to make decisions and be proactive - I avoid these things, I guess for fear of failure, to avoid the consequence that would require something of me that might be scary.  But it is time for a change.

So these are the things I want to do.  How I think my life should be.  Am I asking too much.  I can't even say that I did those things before.  But I do know that before I could make decisions and act on them without feeling the fear I do now.  I felt some fear and anxiety, but I wasn't focused on it as I am now.  I didn't feel the need to avoid it, only that it was there.  I was anxious but I didn't suffer from it.  It is time to end the suffering.

The problem

I've come to the realisation that Facebook isn't the problem.  Okay, so I kinda knew that, but now it has become glaringly obvious!  I have made incredible headway in the past few days.  I've accomplished a lot more in any one day then I have been over the last few months.  Some of it is because of school holidays, it's always hard to adjust to a change in routine, but some of it was due to apathy, resistance, and just not wanting to face up to my fears.

That is clear right now, as I battle with anxiety about going out to get school supplies.  I can't just jump on Facebook and pretend that I 'would' go, if I wasn't so lazy.  Maybe fear is that last ditch attempt from my psyche at resistance, maybe it is the cause of resistance.  Either way, I have to face it and just go out there and do my best!  I know I will feel better once I get out there, it's just a big hump I have to climb over to get where I want to be!

It doesn't help that I'm not 100% healthy either.  I've avoided healthy food, another type of resistance I guess, filling my body with crap so I have another excuse not to do something.  I really didn't realise my resistance (or fear) went quite that deep!  Oh well, time to suck it up and get moving!

And of course I was fine.  I let myself be a little less productive, by cutting out some of my tasks today, in favour of actually getting it done!

By the way, I'm learning piano, thanks uTube!  I still have a long way to go, but I'm practicing scales and tonight I learnt the first few bars of 'How to save a life' by Frey.  Which is why I'm still awake!  So excited!  It makes me feel accomplished, maybe I should put that as one of my core desires!  To or row I will learn chords!  Very happy with myself!

Moving On

I don't want this blog just to be about no Facebook.  That's not the point really.  I've been letting distractions get in the way of action.  I've been reading a fair bit of self help type books, yes, another form of distraction, but today I was reading about resistance.  How even a positive change in life, something that we want to happen, can be met with all forms of resistance from within ourselves.  Distraction is a major one!  I am sure we all do it, there is nothing like a big assignment due to motivate you to to do housework you've put off for months!  Resistance can look like fear, procrastination, self comforting, anything other then actually doing what you want to do.  A big bucket load of excuses!

But this resistance is how we grow, become strong.  You can't build muscle without some form of resistance!  And so I must learn to overcome this resistance even though I fear it may exert more force as I get stronger, there will be a point at which my strength is greater then any resistance.  While it may still be there, I will relish in it rather then succumb.  And then I will be ready for the next chance to grow.

I've ridden myself of two forms of distraction so far, Facebook and Candy Crush!  But some distractions from my Phd are not negative and I can't just get rid of them!  Doing housework, budgeting, exercise, this blog, doing stuff with kids and the big one - organising!  I do lots of organising, list making really, as a way of delaying the inevitable actions that must take place!

But it is the negative ones that I am working to eliminate.  Smoking, excessive eating, having another cup of tea (and three cigarettes with it), watching tv, and more, but by just being aware I can begin to take control back from my mind and let my higher (or authentic) self guide me instead.

I'm already making some great changes.. I've cut out coffee, increased water intake, I was having green smoothies but I've started getting resistance to that and haven't had one in a few days.  I've been spending time with the kids, doing a bit more housework, and more work on my paper.  If I keep going I will be progressing to an awesome life!  Awareness is allowing me to continue progressing and highlighting those areas that need change, and how to change them.

I am doing well!  But I need to face up to the fact that right now, the single most important thing I can do is to quit smoking.  I have done it before, it's not too hard, but I fear that I will not work on my paper if I do.  That the physical and psychological withdrawels will create a distraction.  Is that just fear raising it's ugly head, resistance?

Day 2 without Facebook

I certainly achieved a lot more today then I have in a long time.  I spent a few hours on my current paper - which I've been avoiding for about a month!  I made pancakes with the kids this morning.  I put my spending into my budget and I took some time for some self-help book reading.

 

And of course I took some time to take a photo of the gorgeous flowers in my front yard.

I didn't end up going for a walk - I thought about it but settled on getting some unhealthy take out and chilling out instead.  Well, I cant change in a day and did make some great progress so its a win for me!

I am really enjoying this process - things are coming to me, the right words are finding me to inspire and help me move forward on my path.

All is good!

The Secret Life of Walter Mitty

“To see the world, things dangerous to come to, to see behind walls, draw closer, to find each other and to feel. That is the purpose of life.”

One day I will see the meaning behind those words, truly understand them.  For now, I will just say, "Best movie ever!"