I lead a normal life now, but I still suffer anxiety. Over the years I have slowly stretched out my comfort zone to include going to the shops, learning to drive, going to uni, and all the daily things I do regularly enough to become normal, a habit. The 'not normal' I still struggle with. Going out to dinner, the movies, travelling, social events, presentations, dentist or doctor appointments, anything which associate as having the potential to 'stress me out'. I still fear the panic. I still suffer.
I've read many books on recovery from panic disorder and dealing with fear. I don't always action them. I have an arsenal of knowledge, coping techniques, and supposed cures. I understand that fear is normal, that anxiety is essential - that I will never live without some level of fear and anxiety in my life. But I do believe I can learn to accept anxiety and fear, cope with it, and not suffer from it. I believe in a life where I don't avoid things because of fear.
But what does that life look like?
When I first saw a psychologist, about 15yrs ago he asked me for a goal that could only be accomplished when I was 'cured'. I said 'getting my drivers license'. At the time it seemed impossible. A few later my husband lost his license while I had a newborn baby (my third) and so I HAD to learn to drive. I did! I have my license, I drive every day and it doesn't cause me any anxiety to do so. I had learnt enough to get through a panic attack, I had learnt to feel the fear and do it anyway. And that is what I do. When I have to do something I put my big girl panties on, and suck it up. I know that after a while the fear and anxiety fades, I will get used to doing it. And so, one at a time, I conquered each fear which was prevented my 'normal functioning' at an everyday level. But only because I had to.
But what about the 'optional' stuff. The stuff that takes a ordinary life and pushes it into a joyful life, an extraordinary life, a full life!
Things I've done before and would like to do again:
Go on a roller coaster or rides at a theme park. I was always a little petrified but it was fun!
I would like to be able to say 'no' to going on a ride without having to say its because I'm too scared. This is a difficult goal because the fun is in the fear! I would like to enjoy a little bit of fear!
I would like to travel. The last time I stayed at a hotel I spent the entire time stressed out. I would like to be able to relax, not worry about others expectations, but still meet my own expectations! I would like to enjoy going to a hotel, visiting new places. I want a holiday at the beach, I want to go bush walking regularly, go to the beach, go to The Caves, go fossicking, go to see the dinosaur fossils.
I would like to go out and socialise more. I want to go out to dinner, the movies, on a date with husband. To plan things and follow through.
I would like to be able to arrange my life and do the non-fun things - the dentist and doctor (get my teeth fixed), arrange childcare, make decisions and act apron them. Call my son's friend's parents to arrange sleepovers, arrange sports and activities for my kids. Use the phone, make choices, act without fear.
And for work, I want to be able give lectures, do the actions that lead to success - call people and arrange things, seek out things which will help me answer questions, be proactive!
I find it hard to make decisions and be proactive - I avoid these things, I guess for fear of failure, to avoid the consequence that would require something of me that might be scary. But it is time for a change.
So these are the things I want to do. How I think my life should be. Am I asking too much. I can't even say that I did those things before. But I do know that before I could make decisions and act on them without feeling the fear I do now. I felt some fear and anxiety, but I wasn't focused on it as I am now. I didn't feel the need to avoid it, only that it was there. I was anxious but I didn't suffer from it. It is time to end the suffering.
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