Fear and Choice

I've never been one to blame others, while I am sure some would disagree with that.  I do, on the surface, pretend to blame my husband for everything!  But in the quiet, while alone, I shoulder the responsibility while resenting that others don't.  I have reconsidered this when it comes to my anxiety and do acknowledge that I do not accept responsibility when it comes to the consequences - my actions- that result from my anxiety.  Heck, I dissociate 'the anxiety' from my self in that sentence even!  It's not me, it's the anxiety!

While I know that my actions caused the anxiety and that in itself is anxiety inducing, I still feel like it was out of my control - I was born anxious, the panic attack was something that happened TO me.  My body betrayed me.  Events are anxiety inducing, external forces will cause anxiety.  The only control I have is in avoiding the causes.  Yes, I can mange my manage my anxiety with deep breathing, but I can't control it occurring... 

Part of the package of being human is free will - we have self awareness, imagination, and CHOICE!  How can one event cause anxiety in one person and not the other - why does more then one event cause anxiety in a single person!  Because it is not the event or circumstance - it's the person!  I may not directly choose my anxious response, but I do choose the beliefs and concepts that lead to that anxiety!  I choose to believe that public speaking is anxiety inducing, I choose to believe that going to the movies will bring on a panic attack, I choose to avoid situations, I make many choices everyday that contribute to my anxiety.  Some knowingly, some unknowingly.

I accept that I cannot control my bodies fear response - it is a natural innate response to the environment and my perception of it.  I cannot control everything in my environment, but it can control some of it.  But mostly, I can control my perceptions.

Everything in my life right now is what I have chosen.  What needs to be to achieve what I want.  I don't love everything about my life, parts of it are hard and scary and uncomfortable, but it is the path I want to be on.  How I can I walk this path and reduce my anxiety?  What can I control?

I can control what I put in my body.

I can control when I go to bed, and when I exercise.

I can control how much effort I put into each aspect of my life.

I can control how I react to the the anxiety and how I perceive it.

I can control myself!  My thoughts, my actions.

I cannot control my bodies natural systems, I cannot control how bumpy or narrow the path that I am on is.

I can control which path I choose to be on.

I can choose to enjoy the scenery instead of constantly looking ahead for obstacles!

Recovering from Anxiety

I first developed panic disorder 17yrs ago.  Not quite half of my life has been spent recovering from that first panic attack.  At first, withdrawel from society seemed like a good idea, avoid anything that made me anxious.  And along came Agoraphobia.

I lead a normal life now, but I still suffer anxiety.  Over the years I have slowly stretched out my comfort zone to include going to the shops, learning to drive, going to uni, and all the daily things I do regularly enough to become normal, a habit.  The 'not normal' I still struggle with.  Going out to dinner, the movies, travelling, social events, presentations, dentist or doctor appointments, anything which associate as having the potential to 'stress me out'.  I still fear the panic.  I still suffer.

I've read many books on recovery from panic disorder and dealing with fear.  I don't always action them.  I have an arsenal of knowledge, coping techniques, and supposed cures.  I understand that fear is normal, that anxiety is essential - that I will never live without some level of fear and anxiety in my life. But I do believe I can learn to accept anxiety and fear, cope with it, and not suffer from it.  I believe in a life where I don't avoid things because of fear.

But what does that life look like?

When I first saw a psychologist, about 15yrs ago he asked me for a goal that could only be accomplished when I was 'cured'.  I said 'getting my drivers license'.  At the time it seemed impossible.  A few later my husband lost his license while I had a newborn baby (my third) and so I HAD to learn to drive.  I did!  I have my license, I drive every day and it doesn't cause me any anxiety to do so.  I had learnt enough to get through a panic attack, I had learnt to feel the fear and do it anyway. And that is what I do.  When I have to do something I put my big girl panties on, and suck it up.  I know that after a while the fear and anxiety fades, I will get used to doing it.  And so, one at a time, I conquered each fear which was prevented my 'normal functioning' at an everyday level.  But only because I had to.

But what about the 'optional' stuff.  The stuff that takes a ordinary life and pushes it into a joyful life, an extraordinary life, a full life!

Things I've done before and would like to do again:

Go on a roller coaster or rides at a theme park.  I was always a little petrified but it was fun!  

I would like to be able to say 'no' to going on a ride without having to say its because I'm too scared.  This is a difficult goal because the fun is in the fear!  I would like to enjoy a little bit of fear!

I would like to travel.  The last time I stayed at a hotel I spent the entire time stressed out.  I would like to be able to relax, not worry about others expectations, but still meet my own expectations!  I would like to enjoy going to a hotel, visiting new places.  I want a holiday at the beach, I want to go bush walking regularly, go to the beach, go to The Caves, go fossicking, go to see the dinosaur fossils.

I would like to go out and socialise more.  I want to go out to dinner, the movies, on a date with husband.  To plan things and follow through.

I would like to be able to arrange my life and do the non-fun things - the dentist and doctor (get my teeth fixed), arrange childcare, make decisions and act apron them.  Call my son's friend's parents to arrange sleepovers, arrange sports and activities for my kids.  Use the phone, make choices, act without fear.

And for work, I want to be able give lectures, do the actions that lead to success - call people and arrange things, seek out things which will help me answer questions, be proactive!

I find it hard to make decisions and be proactive - I avoid these things, I guess for fear of failure, to avoid the consequence that would require something of me that might be scary.  But it is time for a change.

So these are the things I want to do.  How I think my life should be.  Am I asking too much.  I can't even say that I did those things before.  But I do know that before I could make decisions and act on them without feeling the fear I do now.  I felt some fear and anxiety, but I wasn't focused on it as I am now.  I didn't feel the need to avoid it, only that it was there.  I was anxious but I didn't suffer from it.  It is time to end the suffering.