The problem

I've come to the realisation that Facebook isn't the problem.  Okay, so I kinda knew that, but now it has become glaringly obvious!  I have made incredible headway in the past few days.  I've accomplished a lot more in any one day then I have been over the last few months.  Some of it is because of school holidays, it's always hard to adjust to a change in routine, but some of it was due to apathy, resistance, and just not wanting to face up to my fears.

That is clear right now, as I battle with anxiety about going out to get school supplies.  I can't just jump on Facebook and pretend that I 'would' go, if I wasn't so lazy.  Maybe fear is that last ditch attempt from my psyche at resistance, maybe it is the cause of resistance.  Either way, I have to face it and just go out there and do my best!  I know I will feel better once I get out there, it's just a big hump I have to climb over to get where I want to be!

It doesn't help that I'm not 100% healthy either.  I've avoided healthy food, another type of resistance I guess, filling my body with crap so I have another excuse not to do something.  I really didn't realise my resistance (or fear) went quite that deep!  Oh well, time to suck it up and get moving!

And of course I was fine.  I let myself be a little less productive, by cutting out some of my tasks today, in favour of actually getting it done!

By the way, I'm learning piano, thanks uTube!  I still have a long way to go, but I'm practicing scales and tonight I learnt the first few bars of 'How to save a life' by Frey.  Which is why I'm still awake!  So excited!  It makes me feel accomplished, maybe I should put that as one of my core desires!  To or row I will learn chords!  Very happy with myself!

Moving On

I don't want this blog just to be about no Facebook.  That's not the point really.  I've been letting distractions get in the way of action.  I've been reading a fair bit of self help type books, yes, another form of distraction, but today I was reading about resistance.  How even a positive change in life, something that we want to happen, can be met with all forms of resistance from within ourselves.  Distraction is a major one!  I am sure we all do it, there is nothing like a big assignment due to motivate you to to do housework you've put off for months!  Resistance can look like fear, procrastination, self comforting, anything other then actually doing what you want to do.  A big bucket load of excuses!

But this resistance is how we grow, become strong.  You can't build muscle without some form of resistance!  And so I must learn to overcome this resistance even though I fear it may exert more force as I get stronger, there will be a point at which my strength is greater then any resistance.  While it may still be there, I will relish in it rather then succumb.  And then I will be ready for the next chance to grow.

I've ridden myself of two forms of distraction so far, Facebook and Candy Crush!  But some distractions from my Phd are not negative and I can't just get rid of them!  Doing housework, budgeting, exercise, this blog, doing stuff with kids and the big one - organising!  I do lots of organising, list making really, as a way of delaying the inevitable actions that must take place!

But it is the negative ones that I am working to eliminate.  Smoking, excessive eating, having another cup of tea (and three cigarettes with it), watching tv, and more, but by just being aware I can begin to take control back from my mind and let my higher (or authentic) self guide me instead.

I'm already making some great changes.. I've cut out coffee, increased water intake, I was having green smoothies but I've started getting resistance to that and haven't had one in a few days.  I've been spending time with the kids, doing a bit more housework, and more work on my paper.  If I keep going I will be progressing to an awesome life!  Awareness is allowing me to continue progressing and highlighting those areas that need change, and how to change them.

I am doing well!  But I need to face up to the fact that right now, the single most important thing I can do is to quit smoking.  I have done it before, it's not too hard, but I fear that I will not work on my paper if I do.  That the physical and psychological withdrawels will create a distraction.  Is that just fear raising it's ugly head, resistance?

Day 2 without Facebook

I certainly achieved a lot more today then I have in a long time.  I spent a few hours on my current paper - which I've been avoiding for about a month!  I made pancakes with the kids this morning.  I put my spending into my budget and I took some time for some self-help book reading.

 

And of course I took some time to take a photo of the gorgeous flowers in my front yard.

I didn't end up going for a walk - I thought about it but settled on getting some unhealthy take out and chilling out instead.  Well, I cant change in a day and did make some great progress so its a win for me!

I am really enjoying this process - things are coming to me, the right words are finding me to inspire and help me move forward on my path.

All is good!

The Secret Life of Walter Mitty

“To see the world, things dangerous to come to, to see behind walls, draw closer, to find each other and to feel. That is the purpose of life.”

One day I will see the meaning behind those words, truly understand them.  For now, I will just say, "Best movie ever!"

My life without Facebook

I've been doing a bit of self reflection over the Christmas and New Year period.  My life is not working for me right now, and I'm distracting myself with everything!  I would have missed out on seeing this gorgeous display of almost burst flowers in my garden if I had of allowed myself to remain distracted!



Gorgeous flowers about to bloom in my front yard!

It's time to eliminate distractions and focus on what I want from life.  Even more, to be excited by my life.  I want to move toward a life where I am achieving goals, in my work, my health, as a wife and mother.  I want to achieve success as a scientist, I want to be financially successful, I want to be fit and healthy, I want to take care of my body, I want my children to know I love them, I want my house to be a home that I feel good being in.

I want to be good person, with high ideals and to live by the principles that are guided by my spirit.

I'm not expecting to change overnight, not a huge change anyway, but I have already shifted my mindset.  I will only surround myself with 'inputs' that support my life.  

And that means Facebook has to go.  Yes, it had some positives - keeping up with my family and friends, and also a wonderful group of people who have supported me and kept me entertained!  But after trying my best to limit the negatives, removing liked pages that no longer interest me and getting out of a few groups, I was still inundated with negative messages.  I didn't want to start removing friends just for sharing or liking images that were negative for me.  

Even then, it dawned on me that the bigger concern wasn't what I was allowing myself to be exposed to, but the fact that I was 'checking in' all day, everyday.  I tried a few days off, but still, I would pop in and read.  I would get upset at posts, I would react to images... I'm an emotional junkie and Facebook was just where I was getting my fix!  It's so much safer then life.  

Facebook lets me hide behind a self created image.  I can be a good parent on Facebook so long as I can take a decent picture and spout off a post on how much I love my kids.  No actual parenting required.  I could be fit and healthy, so long as I liked fitness pages and posted the odd photo of me in exercise gear.  I could be anyone I wanted to be.. I just had type the right thing.  It didn't have to be true.

And so I hid.  I focused my attention on my pretend life, my Facebook life.  And hid with all my might from reality.  Because reality sucks.  Reality is ignoring my kids while they play computer and I have my head stuck in my iPad (on Facebook) posting about how awesome my kids are.  Reality is smoking and Facebooking how important health is instead of exercising and cooking healthy meals.  Reality is not organising childcare over the holidays while posting about my awesome career.  Reality is my budget being ignored while I post about my most recent purchase or what I want to buy next.  Reality is a messy house - well, every part of the house that I didn't just take a photo of to post on Facebook!  

This will be my journal of how I reclaim my life from technology, how I stop being a mindless numb participant in a false reality of my own creation, of the creation of my new life.

I have a long way to go.  But I will make progress.

In just a few hours I have played a game of monopoly with two of my children and gone for a 4km walk with them as well.  Small things but it is these small things that create memories for my children. Happy memories!  My kids are so full of life and easily impressed!  It doesn't take much to ensure they feel loved and are happy!  It will be a bit of a mission with the eldest - almost fifteen years old - he's a tough one to crack, and always has been!  But I will continue to find ways to connect with him and help him on his own journey through life!

Boy2 and Boy3 kicked my butt in Monopoly!

And no more hiding from my health!  That 4km walk got me over my 10k steps.. my goal is to match that everyday for seven days!

I will think about my priorities, and what exactly my principles are and let that guide me in my decision making - not my emotions.  I will be self-aware, aware of the thoughts that pass through my mind and how I react to them emotionally.  I will focus on the thoughts that serve me.

The coming months will be the beginning of a journey of self-discovery that will no doubt last a lifetime.